Others are your reflection

Last month's article “Do you know your soul mate is in you?” provoked some questions. One subscriber wrote me the following: “I think that what you said is well put, but how do we explain divorces? How do we explain the difficulties human beings have in sharing happy moments? I often come across couples who are far from being happy, and there is no small number of them. And yet things could be so simple.” 

First of all, I'd like to thank this subscriber for having shared her thoughts, as she has inspired me to write this article. 

It is true that there should always be harmony in a couple. Alas, this is not always the case. Why not? Because we have difficulty putting into practice the rules of unconditional love, which are based on spiritual laws. Moreover, since our ego is unable to accept these spiritual laws (as it only understands that which is formed from mental energy), it pushes us to act against these laws, and this creates a lot of inner resistance and complicates our relationships. 

Here is what true love is, as it is taught in the WELL BEING workshop. 

True love:

• is respecting my own space and the other person’s space;
• is giving myself, and others, the right to be human; i.e., the right to have needs, beliefs, wounds, limits, desires, fears, strengths and weaknesses that may be different from those of others, without judgement, and without guilt;
• is guiding others without expectations;
• is giving for the pleasure of giving, without expecting anything in return;
• is accepting, observing, even if I do not agree, or even if I do not understand mentally. 

If you are able to love in such a way, you will automatically become a responsible person. True love does not mean that we are responsible for the happiness of others, but rather that we are responsible for our own happiness, and that we let others be responsible for their own. 

There cannot be true love without real responsibility. That means that all those around us are responsible for their own choices and that they themselves have to accept the consequences. Whenever you believe that you are responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of someone else, you are not a responsible person, but rather a guilty person. Indeed, the opposite of responsibility is guilt. This is why we so often feel guilty in our relationships and why we try to make the other feel guilty by accusing them. When there is acceptance, there is no accusation, there is only observation. 

We can observe that a person is indifferent, irresponsible, or untruthful without accusing him or her of anything. How is it possible to observe without accusing? By remembering that we create everything that happens to us, that everything that we receive or perceive is only the reflection of what we are, even if it is difficult to admit that this is who we are.

If every couple knew that the other was there to help us know ourselves and to help us discover what we do and don't accept about ourselves, there would be harmony. We would then be able to become one with our soul mate.

Another obstacle to harmony within a couple is the difficulty in telling the difference between LOVING and PLEASING. We have seen in the above definition that loving means accepting, receiving the other for what he or she is, whether it be positive or negative. Pleasing means giving pleasure to another by satisfying one of his or her desires. For example, if a woman wants to go out to dinner with her husband but he refuses, this does not mean he doesn't love her, but rather that he is listening to his own desire instead of satisfying his wife's.

In a responsible couple, both people understand that each is trying to respond as best as possible to the other’s desire. In my example, the woman can choose to go to the restaurant alone or with a girlfriend, or she could simply stay at home with her husband. Her husband, for his part, will respect her decision. What matters is not what she chooses, but rather that it is her own choice, and she will not be able to resent him for it.

This is just a simple everyday example, but it's the accumulation of these kinds of situations that chips away at a couple's love and can lead to a separation. I therefore advise you to start practising the rules of true love when you experience these minor problems. Little by little it will become easier to do it and you will be able to face up to any situation. 

With Love, 

Lise Bourbeau