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... most people do not know what the word RESPECT
means?
In fact, many think that to respect someone
means to obey and submit to them and not say anything
that might offend them.
Here is my suggestion to you for a little
exercise on this subject. Think of three people you
believe you respect or to whom you think you owe respect
- like your parents, for example, since most of us have
learned we must respect our mother and father. So, when
thinking of the people you have selected, ask yourself
whether you sometimes dare to disobey them or ignore
their advice without feeling you must justify yourself
and without feeling guilty. Do you sometimes feel you
want to give them your opinion but refrain because you
know it will be met with displeasure?
I have had so many people tell me stories
about situations in which they were acting, so to speak,
out of respect. One of them was told to me by a woman
who wanted to tell her mother she was finding her
boring, that she no longer wanted to talk to her every
day on the phone or see her as often because she
repeated the same things over and over, but the woman
refrained from doing so out of respect for her mother
and because her mother was not that young anymore.
Naturally, this woman often felt frustrated
after her conversations with her mother or the visits to
her mother's home. She went as far as inventing excuses
so she could shorten the conversations or visits.
Whatever attitude she adopted, she felt guilty. She
thought her actions showed respect for her mother, but
she was not paying attention to her own needs and
accused herself of that, feeling guilty about
short-changing herself. The lying also made her feel
guilty. If she had dared to tell her mother that she was
tired of hearing the same thing all the time and did not
want to talk to her everyday, she would still have felt
guilty.
 The only way out of a vicious circle like
this is to learn the meaning of true respect, by
starting with yourself. Having SELF-RESPECT means being
able to be yourself and listen to your own needs -
without letting others dissuade you, without letting
others influence you to change your mind just to please
them. It means respecting your PERSONAL SPACE and, by
this very fact, inviting others to respect it
too.
In the preceding example, let us suppose that
what this woman felt she needed was to talk to her
mother on the phone once a week and to see her once a
month. If she had respected herself, she would simply
have told her mother, without asking if that was OK with
her.
The mother could disagree, feel rejected, or
worse still, start crying. The reaction always depends
on the degree of dependence the two people have on each
other and this degree is the same for each of them. The
only difference is that one of them is generally more
aware of it than the other.
If you find yourself in this kind of
situation, the process of learning to respect yourself
may seem like an uphill battle, especially if the other
person answers you sharply or with authority. If this is
your experience, remember that your former way of
showing respect was based on fear. It is likely that the
other person will go on making you fearful because that
is how she has always gotten what she wanted. You must
remain firm, however, and continue to respect yourself.
Then, you will start noticing fairly quickly that others
will respect you more.
Remember also that it is not a sign of
disrespect to make your needs known to others - even if
it upsets them when you do. However, you are showing a lack
of respect if you expect others to satisfy your
needs and you get angry when your expectations are not
met.
Wanting others to think of our needs before their own
always constitutes a lack of respect.
Let us go back to my example. If the woman
expresses her needs, but the mother continues to call
her, the mother is showing a lack of respect toward her
daughter. That said, it also indicates that her daughter
has difficulty listening to her own needs and continues
to feel guilty because her mother keeps on trying to
make her feel guilty.
I can assure you that if you welcome your
decision to respect yourself and command respect, others
will act in a respectful manner toward you. Therefore,
the best way to measure the degree of respect you have
for yourself is to observe the extent to which others
respect you and your needs.
With
love,
Lise
Bourbeau | 
